Summary:Astryd tries to reconcile what happened Log Info:Storyteller: None |
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Astryd has been so very quiet lately. The influence of Lughs mark and the Maeljin has had an effect. What that effect is, it's hard to say - but she's been withdrawn from just about everything.
Today, after the death of Oliver, finds the blonde at home with her sewing kit out. She's sitting on the couch, mending garments - something that so very few do in this day and age.
The TV is showing the news and Astryd is keeping half an eye on it. There's a report about wolf attacks out towards Chicago, not that she thinks much on that. Her mind is elsewise occupied.
In addition to this domestic scene is the smell of fresh baked banana bread coming from the kitchen.
Fenris is cutting a slice of that banana bread. Its fresh which means it is going t obe extra good. His mind in contrast to hers really isn't otherwise occupied. Its focused on the same things it has been focused on for a while. He comes into the living room with the plate and a glass of water and sits down on the table. There's a stack of old books there but none of them are open at the moment.
The only thing he wants right now is banana bread.
Astryd knows Fenris is there. She always knows where he is. Since … this all began he's been as distant as she has. Her problem is she doesn't know how to breach that gap.
She lets out a sigh and lays her mending aside, looking over at the Old Wolf. "When are we going to assault Pangea?"
It's all she can think to say. Focus on their mission and not … the other things.
Fenris takes a bite of the bread and swallows it before answering. Some things are not to be rushed. "Two days, maybe three. Depends on how quickly we are all prepared to do so. I did not think it wise to take Ambrose in there in the state he was in last night." There's a short pause.
"You know I have good hearing. I heard that sigh. What's eating you?"
"Ambrose might not be a state to do it at all. The death of Oliver has hit him very hard." In many ways, Astryd is a hard woman particularly when it comes to death. She'll visit Ambrose though and help him through this.
Fenris knows that she's not likely to ask for help for herself though.
There's a long silence after he asks that question, the blonde considering whether she'll deflect it. With another sigh she takes a deep breath and looks at her hands folded in her lap. "Us. You and me. This whole situation." She says quietly. "Do you … still want to send me away?"
"Iiiiiiiii don't think Oliver is dead…" Fenris says uncertainly. Death is only the beginning. That's what the creature had said. Somehow Fenris doesn't think they've seen the last of it. All they've done is unleash something that Gurim wanted them to unleash.
"I don't think it's necessary given that you appear to be 'cured'. If cured is the right word. Do you think I should?"
"It doesn't matter what I think, Fenris. You don't trust me, you can't. My animosity to your children …" The blonde shakes her head trying to find the words to make sense of this all. "The maeljin took my jealousy, took all that resentment and … used it."
Is that what is bothering her?
"Oliver, as Ambrose knew him is dead. What Gurim brings back, if indeed he does bring him back, won't be Oliver and we need to make sure that Ambrose knows this."
"While I agree with that, I don't know that we have time to convince him. We'll need him to pull it together. I'm confident he will but he may need a push." Ambrose is a stiff upper lip kind of guy though so he may not need one.
Fenris looks up at Astryd from his bread. "Do you consider yourself still untrustworthy?" It's a rather incisive question that cuts to the heart of the matter. She seems to be making the case that she can't be but Fenris isn't really sure she means it.
"It is when he sees him again that worries me, Fenris. He will push through and confront this but … he will try to save his friend. Just as I would try to save you, even if you had eaten the Sun." Astryd says quietly. This whole situation …. she would wish it otherwise.
"I never considered myself untrustworthy, Fenris. Everything I did, I did to protect you. My judgement was skewed. It may still be. I do not like your children and I can't bear that they mean to harm you." It's more than that too and Fenris knows it.
"You have been so … distant, my heart. So have I, I know …"
"You were under the influence of a spell. I knew from the moment that it compromised you that you were going to be a problem. I would have avoided that problem if I could have but it was what it was…"
Fenris snorts. "Distant? Only because you were a bit infuriating in the last week or two. But I haven't been all that distant. I think you feel something that isn't there because your judgement was taken from you."
There's a short pause. "And only three of my children mean me harm, so don't take it out on the other six, kindly."
"Yes, Fenris." That never bodes well. Yes to what? Both statements probably.
"What preparations do we need to make for Pangea?" They'd returned the sword for Freyr to the Finder and have that closed off. "I can go whenever you wish."
Fenris actually pushes his plate aside. "Stop that." She knows what he's telling her to stop. "What is it?"
There's a great deal that she's not saying and he knows that. She's not sure if she's not saying it because she's ashamed to say it or if she's not saying it because she's afraid to. Astryd is, as a rule, fearless but she holds herself to a very high standard. She has since before she was exiled from Asgard. In fact that may be WHY she was exiled from Asgard.
He doesn't answer the other question. They can go over that when she's done clearing her air.
Astryd shakes her head. "I failed you. I failed myself. I failed the others. There is a gulf between us - of my own making and … You say you haven't been distant and yet I feel you are. Given my judgement is compromised, I can't refute it and I trust you."
But it's tearing her apart. Maybe time will heal that wound.
She doesn't address his children, they've had that discussion. It doesn't dull the ache that she feels though.
"You were compromised by a spell intended to compel Hodr to kill his brother. And you think you failed me? I think your head is still screwed on wrong if that's what you think. Did you honestly expect to bear those markings with no effect? Did you think that you would weather it and come out unscathed?"
The Old Wolf shakes his head. "You were always going to be a problem. That spell was designed to make you one and it was designed to compromise gods. That is no more your failure than having your leg broken is a failure."
"I could have withdrawn, Fenris, before it got so bad." Astryd points out. "I accept the consequences for myself but to cause you, and the others, the pain that I have…" No she hadn't expected to come out unscathed. She just hadn't expected this.
"I am better than that, my heart." And yet, she couldn't leave. Fenris should have sent away when they were in Patna.
"And your children arriving, your connection to them… It is something that …" The blonde looks to the Old Wolf now, grey eyes so turbulent.
"You are finite." Fenris says firmly. "You do not have infinite wisdom. You do not have infinite strength. You are not better than that, because what you want to be better than is… yourself. You can only be yourself, Astryd." Fenris shakes his head. She's still wrestling with this and he cannot make her come to that conculsion.
"It's something that you wish you had. I know. But they are my children. Show them some love for my sake instead of treating them as a reminder of what you have been denied. It is not their fault."
"Your children don't think highly of me, Fenris. I will try to not show them animosity." He's right, Astryd knows this but it's …. hard.
"That was not me, Fenris. You know that. And yet it was … it was all the parts of me that I try to overcome. I'm rash and I'm passionate, which serves us well at times. But I lost … my perspective and could only think of protecting you."
"Do you forgive me?"
"Of course I do. I will forgive you more if you can find a wine to go with this banana bread." Wine and bread? Well of course. The God Wolf does what he wants. This is a general rule.
Fenris takes another bite. The matter is, so far as he is concerned, concluded.