Summary:Two Spiders and a Deadpool are not your typical rescuers. But this isn't a typical rescue. Log Info:Storyteller: Wade Wilson |
Related LogsTheme SongNone |
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"No, just go, go, go!"
Deadpool is in an Uber, yelling at the driver. "I don't give a fuck about your damn ratings, okay? Or the cops! I got a big reward coming for this, and I'll pay your stupid speeding tickets, just go!" He pulls out his phone and quickly dials up Spider-Man's number. "Jesus, I can't believe I'm calling a teenager for backup."
Peter is currently Spider-Man and is swinging around the Financial District when he spots the call coming in. He stops, then taps a text to the number Gwen gave for Spider-Woman. WEBSLINGING, COULD USE SOME HELP.
Then he answers the call and says, "Spidey here, just hanging around."
"Oh thank GOD," Wade says into the phone, "I was worried you were off spanking it to PornHub. I know how you kids are! Forget that, forget I said that. Listen, I need you at Pier 40. Pier 40, okay? I found the kid, and I need backup." He's about to hang up the phone, before something else comes to his mind. "Oh, and BE DISCREET, okay? Like, meet me on a rooftop or something. You're into rooftops. BYE!"
Deadpool shuts off the phone, then starts scooting around in the backseat, as if he's trying to get something out of his pants. "Ugh, why did I make this all out of one piece. I need an upgrade."
Gwen it picking daisies. "I'll take the daisies," she tells the elderly lady running the kiosk on a street corner. When the text comes in, it catches her off-guard. There are only two people who have that number. She looks over the text on her burner, replies with "I'm there, where is there?" and pockets it, handing the woman ten dollars and taking a huge bunch of daisies with her. "Thanks! I hope everything goes well with Walter's surgery!" And like a flash (but not exactly like a Flash, because of copyright infringement) Gwen is off to change. But not in a phone booth. Because of copyright infringement.
Also, because seriously, what's a phone booth?
Peter looked at the phone, then sent another message to Spider-Woman. "Pier 40, rooftop across the street. Black stone, white roof ledge." He paused, then added, "Rescuing a child. Will give lowdown when you arrive."
He's not far from Brighton, and makes his way towards the location. He's glad he got paid yesterday, and got all the cartridges filled. Because after that whole alien kidnapping thing, he was not too thrilled about being caught as woefully-unprepared as he was then. And he should NOT have worn the Captain America boxer-briefs that night.
He's wearing them now, though, under the costume. They give him confidence.
Fortunately for Spider-Man, Deadpool is in an Uber, and the driver is not following his instructions. That will give him at least a moment to…. prepare Gwen for what's about to happen. Somewhat.
"I'm giving you a bad review right now," Deadpool murmurs in a sing-song voice. "One Star. Terrible service. Unable… to meet… ETA requirements."
Instead of taking the time to reply, Gwen sets off swinging across the city. She could be there by the time he could get her reply, anyway. She swings in onto the designated rooftop and shifty-eyes all around. So far, it doesn't look like there's much going on. Maybe Spider-Man is bringing the party to /her/….
Spidey gets up from the ledge. "Hey there, Spider-Woman. Glad you could make it." He paused, then asked, "Life treating you okay?" He wasn't sure what to say to a superheroine one-on-one. Actually, that was true of MOST girls, even ones without costumes.
"This is a rescue. There's a kid down there in that warehouse we have to rescue. The thing is…there's a guy who told me about this and we are waiting for him. He is a mercenary named Wade Wilson…but he also goes by the name Deadpool."
"Did you say EPA requirements?" the Uber driver snaps. "This car passes the emissions test!"
"E-T-A, dumbass!" Deadpool answers, and finishes submitting his terrible review, before replacing the phone with a large baggie full of white powder. "And don't bitch about this either, I know it ain't your first rodeo!"
Out comes a fist full of cocaine, which gets shoved up beneath Deadpool's mask. He seems to chew around with his jaw for a moment, then stuffs the baggy away and waits for the Uber to arrive.
"Okay, got it…and, yeah, I'm okay. Just spent they day, y'know, picking daisies." She has a big bouquet of daisies on her back to prove it. If they don't survive the mission, heads may roll. "So waiting for a mercenary who would be late to his own funeral." Oh, she has NO idea. "While whatever peril the kid is in…is apparently put on hold, because surely they're waiting for the cavalry to arrive before doing anything bad to him. Jesus, what, did this guy take an Uber to get here or something?"
Spider-Man nods. "The kid's name is Brian Freeman. He was kidnapped a few days ago. I was able to get some info out of the police. However, there have been a LOT of child kidnappings…and the evidence points to a gang known as the Denim Crows. But they are working for another group with their own agenda. A group called NIGHTFALL."
"A bunch of kids? What's their agenda, an iPhone factory?" SpiderGwen peers over the edge of the roof at the pier across the street. "Do we think the kid's okay? I mean they haven't hurt him or anything? Or worse?"
Spider-Man sighs. "I'm thinking it's the 'or worse' part. They mark these kids with tattoos…magical ones. Basically conscripting them into an army with no good agenda. I met with one person who escaped their control. She was able to summon…giant animals that she could control."
Just then, a man dressed in red and black climbs out of the doorway that empties onto the rooftop. Deadpool eyeballs Spider-Man for a moment, before eyeballing Spider-Woman. The white, matte eyeballs of his mask seem to follow his facial expressions, suggesting for a moment that he's actually second guessing some of his life choices.
Its a short-lived moment.
"KUMMY MUMMY!" Deadpool announces, with his cheeks stuffed full of something. Then, his hands come up and mash into either side of his face, and a cloud of white poofs out from the porous fabric of his mask.
"Haaaaaa!" he cries. "Get it? Chubby Bunny?" His head lolls around on his neck for a moment, before he hops over toward Spider-Gwen. "Hi! I'm Deadpool."
"Hi, I'm Spider-Woman!" Gwen replies cheerfully. "And that's Spider-Man, and over there?" She jerks a thumb toward the pier behind her. "Over there's a kid who is probably living a live action version of World of Warcraft by now, courtesy of fresh ink. Wanna save 'im?" She looks between the two, clearly leery of Deadpool's motivation, /and/ his methods.
Spidey sighs heavily. "We're here, Wade. I've got a drone checking out the warehouse to count noses, and…" He checks his phone. "I've got six outside so far, maybe another six to eight inside. Can we keep the gunfire to a minimum? The other kid, Ricardo…they were trying to get him away when trouble started, so I think they'll do the same thing here."
"What other kid?" asks Deadpool, as he skips over to join the two, his eyes on the warehouse. "Is the snake guy here?" He turns back toward Spider-Man, eyes narrowed. "That's what Damian said. Big big bad guy with the Denim Crows. Turns out his a big pansy without his backup." A pause, and he turns to Gwen. "There's a snake guy. Glowing tattoos. He made all these creepy little snakes show up, no faces, but COLD. Damn cold. Froze my foot right off." He stomps it on the ground twice, before mimicking that line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "I got better!"
"So the ringleader's into MMO's too? How about the others? The six noses outside? Are they gonna summon stuff too? Or is it just the kids and Snakeman?" Gwen looks back toward the pier, trying to get a peek at the guards. But also trying to spot the drone. She's curious about /that/…
"The other kid's name is Ricardo Preston. When I got to him they had completed a tattoo on him, a symbol of a moon eclipsing a sun. I'm getting a bad Evil Ninja Clan vibe here, Wade, but those Denim Crows just look like thugs." He takes a breath. "Want us to take care of the jokers outside?"
"I'm pretty sure the Crows are just hired muscle," Wade points out. "And really shitty muscle, at that. All bark, not much bite. Snake guy though?" He shakes his name. "Not Preston." Suddenly, the fun and games seem to be over, and Deadpool becomes quite serious. "No, I think snake dude might be the real ringleader, and it looks like we beat him here." He pauses, and turns toward Gwen and Peter. He opens his mouth, then closes it. "We could use the kid as bait."
It takes every ounce of willpower to keep Gwen from protesting at the very thought of using a child as bait. "Absolutely not. No WAY I'm using a child as bait." But in the end, the willpower failed. Not that she has much say in the matter, as she's a newcomer to this party, so she falls silent.
"I mean…does that really seem like a good idea?"
Spider-Man looks at him. They would go for the child, of course, but…
"There is a way we can do this. One of those guys must have a way to contact their boss. We could scare them into contacting their boss, but rescue the child while doing that. By the time this boss shows up, we would be waiting, but Spider-Woman or I could get away with Brian long before putting him at any risk, and that would leave boss for you. But we would get the kid to a safe place so you can bring him back to his family for the reward."
He doesn't add, "And then you can do whatever you want to the guy…"
"It's a terrible idea," Wade half agrees, and is actually scratching the side of his face in thought. "I mean, save the kid, bag the reward. Ten big ones, and I'll split it three ways." He looks at Peter. "Or two ways, if you really don't want it. We can both make your girlfriend happy. And I really, really want that money."
He considers sitting down, but fortunately for the lot of them and for reasons yet unexplained, he doesn't. Instead, the Merc with a Mouth leans upon an outcropping and sighs. "But if snake dude is behind all this, and if that dumbass Damian wasn't bullshitting me, then he's coming for the kid." He then looks back to Spider-Man dubiously. "Ever beaten information out of someone?" Eyes narrow. "You got a lot of talent, Spidey, but something tells me it ain't in your repertoire."
"I'm all for any method of getting the kid out of there. I'm even for coming back and helping out with snake guy." Gwen is gazing over at Deadpool with a seemingly wide-eyed and dreamy expression. But it's just the mask. Inside, she's scheming furiously and deviously.
Spidey looks to Wade and shakes his head. "I can fool people, but no…I'm not that kind of guy. But I have to be honest…when I saw what they did to Ricardo, I was *tempted.*" He looks back to the warehouse. "So, we web up the guards, then come in to take care of everyone inside, fool the Snake guy into showing up while making sure the kid is long gone by then." He looks to Spidey-Woman and says, almost casually, "Well, Spider-Woman…contest to see who webs up the most thugs before anyone notices?"
"You know what, screw the reward," Deadpool says decidedly. "Money just complicates things." He glances off into the distance, but in reality, he's looking directly at the computer screen your player is looking at right now. "I can't believe I'm saying this."
Back to the others, he claps his hands and pretends to be warming them up. "Right. Let's get at it, Spider-Team!" A finger snaps toward Gwen. "And stop ogling. I'm hideous and entirely un-fuckable under this spandex. Especially with the grenade lodged up my ass right now."
Surely he must be joking.
Right?
Well, that explains why he didn't sit down, and instead leaned all awkwardly. But how would he get at it? Isn't that costume all one piece? Why would anyone do a one-piece costume, anyway? Would make it extremely difficult to go to the bathroom. Or dig a grenade out of—
"I'm in, whatever you need. But if you're getting the kid anyway, why not get the reward?" Gwen's flummoxed. But she's definitely in. "On your command," she says. "Either of you. I'm just here for fun."
Spidey looks at Wade oddly, which is something he's done quite often. But Spider-Woman had that odd stance…
Ergh, focus.
"Okay. Spider-Woman, let's take care of the guards quietly. Surprise the ones inside before they can entrench."
He fires a webline, then adds, "BTW, humidity is at 87 percent."
And then he is swinging through the air towards the roof of the warehouse.
"Go on," Deadpool says, motioning for the other two. "Get to webbing. I gotta send a tweet."
Out comes Deadpool's phone, and he begins sending a text message to Weasel back at Sister Margaret's. The message is asking for six dudes who want to play make-believe thug guards for a few hours. After all, if they're gonna trick snake dude, they'll need some fake guards in place.
Looking on, Wade watches from the edge of the rooftop as the Spider-Couple get to work. "Im'a get me one of those web shooters some day," he says under his breath, before retrieving the grappling gun from his belt and taking aim at the building. "Maximum effort!"
Gwen thwips off a web just as Spider-Man takes off. One more web, and then another, and she's standing on top of the dockhouse, looking down at a guard, who's armed to the teeth. She sends down a web-net, and gives it a yank. It closes around him like a Chinese finger-trap, and he's hoisted up without warning. No sooner does she get him to the roof, than he starts to scream. But she fills his mouth with enough web to serve as a gag. "Sorry dude, not as tasty as whippits, but twice as effective." She tosses him aside and moves silently along the edge of the roof toward where two more are standing.
Spidey lands above two guys standing near the floodlight overhead, looking down at them.
Jimmy grimaced as he took a drag from his cigarette. "You heard what happened to the uptown group? Said it was Spider-Man. Feebs. I could handle him, All I need is a chance."
THWIPP! THWIPP!
The two men suddenly vanished into the darkness above the skylight.
Then another voice is heard, soft and amused, "Oh, your dreams, could come true, it could happen to you, if you're young at heart…"
Wade is about to fire his grappling line, but instead, he's caught between watching Gwen and Peter at work. Gwen in particular gets a watchful eye. "I like her," he says to no one in particular. "I think she's my new best friend!"
He finally fires the line. His accuracy is impressive, and it catches on the rooftop of the warehouse, and then he's off, leaping off the building and swinging toward a window that's already mostly broken.
Feet first, he goes crashing through the window and cuts the line, coming to a rest in the middle of a large room. Brian, the captive five year old, is strapped to a chair with a gag in his mouth. There are seven other thugs inside, and at Wade's entrance, they're all going for their guns.
"Hold on!" Deadpool cries, his voice desperate. His hand is shoved into a zipper at his crotch (it's concealed but that's how he goes #1) and down between his legs. "Hold on, wait, don't shoot!"
The thugs look at each other, confused for a moment. One of them raises his rifle, which is precisely when Wade produces the pin from a grenade. From…. yeah, he wasn't joking.
The pin is held up and dangled from his fingers. "Now," he grunts, "I don't know how long I can squeeze my ass hole like this, so, you guys better buck up and learn how to follow instructions, okay?"
Gwen silently lowers a large web lasso, whirling it slowly in a large loop.
"What I don't understand is the difference between the bear and the bull. I mean they're both assholes, right? So technically, no matter which way the market goes, we're all fuc—"
And just like that, two more miscreants are off the streets, and on the rooftop…where they belong? They're both gagged with a length of thick web tied behind their heads, and placed back to back. Guns are put well out of their reach, as with the first guy. "Sorry, not sorry!" Gwen singsongs as she moves along looking for one more guy. If there are six out there, well….she needs another one to beat Peter, but from her vantage point, she can't see anyone else.
Spider-Man is perched at the other side of the warehouse when the sound of shattering glass cuts through the air (as it should) and the man raises his shotgun.
Then he is webbed to the truck behind him, and Spider-Man drops down. This truck is probably the getaway vehicle, so he pauses to web it to the ground. He opens the door carefully to look inside the warehouse, in time to see Deadpool holding up the pin to a grenade.
Oh. Oh no. Oh GOD no. He's NOT REALLY doing what he THINKS he is doing…is he?
Yes. Yes he is.
Deadpool is approaching the others, threatening to put them right into the blast radius. "That's right," he coaxes the thugs. "No one wants to get blown up today, huh? So you're all smarter than the average douchebag. That's awesome!" He's still dangling the pin. "Group together now, and put those guns down. Nice and easy."
His Head cants to the side just a bit. "Any time now, webheads!"
One might imagine just how red his face is behind the red mask… considering how grunty his words are.
Giving up the search from the outside, Gwen slooooowly drops in through a skylight, dangling into the center of an empty room. But in the /next/ room, she sees… Oh…God. And there's a Steve the lackey behind Deadpool, who clearly gives not one shite about anything…approaching with a gun. Gwen has to do something fast. So she does the only thing she can think of. Later, she'll call it PunkFunk Rap. With a voice surprisigly a mix of smokey blues and hardcore rock, she belts out, still dangling in a slow spin from the ceiling:
Gotta make some dough,
Gotta smack that ho,
Smugglin' up a hand grenade, on the down-low.
(Ohhh yeaaah…)
And that's a fact, Jack.
(Stick it up his crack.)
Super Deadpoooool….
Air drum solo!!!
Spider-Man is already airborne by the time the music starts, having used two weblines to slingshot him upward. Wow…she's not bad. At singing OR in distracting. And Wade, of course, is acting as a Weapon of Mass Distraction.
So when a webline shoots down to hit the child's upper back and the chair, no one is paying attention. Not even when the chair and child suddenly disappear.
Top THAT without talking backwards, Zatanna Zatara…
Deadpool, like the others, slowly turn toward Gwen as she drops in from the ceiling. His eyes widen behind the mask, and his mouth goes wide. "Oh… MY GOD… THAT… IS AMAZING!"
Suddenly he looks down, then back up, then down and back up rapidly. It's almost as if he's in a panic. He spins around to make sure Brian is gone, then immediately charges the guards. "I'm sorry about this!" he calls out, before diving at the guards.
Suddenly, there's an explosion. Deadpool's legs go one way, and the rest of him goes another way. The guards get the brunt of the shrapnel, and the explosion rocks the warehouse and fills it with smoke, dust, and gore.
SpiderGwen is still mid-drum-solo when Steve the lackey spins on her with the gun previously aimed at Wade, and fires, striking her in the left shoulder. She simultaneously reacts, and drops from her web to the floor with a loud THUMP! "Shit. Ow." But there's no time. Deadpool has already charged the guards, which can mean only one thing. She rolls sideways in the room, scrambling for the door into an adjoining room, and by the time she rolls through that doorway, Wade is exploding with happiness, and some other junk. She takes cover as ceiling and wall debris falls on her, and slowly, she pushes herself up with her right arm and starts pushing drywall and wood off her. "Well, THAT'S a fiver goin' in the swear jar, for sure…"
Spider-Man had JUST gotten him through the skylight when the explosion ripped through the place. The thought of what had happened would spoil his sleep for a week. Right now, he is frozen for a moment before he slices the ropes binding the Freeman kid. "Stay RIGHT HERE," he tells the kid. "Get low and stay low."
He runs back to the skylight, then looks down at OH MY GRACIOUS GOD…
"Spider-Woman! Are you all right?!"
It doesn't take long for a grenade explosion to die down. It's not exactly fire, after all, and there was a body that took a brunt of the damage. The guards are all down for the count; most of them will live, in fact, but their wounds are going to be gnarly. As for Wade…
He's… still alive.
Deadpool's upper half is reaching around with his arms, trying to find the floor. "Oh… oh god," he coughs, as the entrails below his belly are already starting to 'grow' back. "Oh man, that… that really sucked! *HACK* *COUGH* Can… can one of you like, uh, find my legs? Hellooooo?"
Gwen manages to get up, but her left arm is hanging uselessly at her side. She looks around in a panic, looking for the kid and Spider-Man. "Did he get out? Is Spider-Man okay? Did he get the kid out before you…" She looks down at Deadpool and wrinkles her nose. "Cooooooooool, GROSS!" She looks around and finds what she's looking for. Picking them up and pulling them over toward Halfapool, she sings, "She's got leeeeeegs…"
It is one thing to hear about Deadpool's reputation as being impossible to kill. It is another thing to see him dragging his top half around, asking for help with finding his bottom half.
For a moment, he couldn't do it. The thought of it made him want to throw up in his mask.
*Look at it like a science experiment in Biology.* He closed his eyes, then opened them again. It was a little better.
He would have dropped to the floor, except the floor was strewn with…EWWW. Also, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
He spotted Spider-Woman, and thought *Oh, She found them,* and then the enormity of it hit him, and he called down, "I've got him! He's all right…I'll just…bring him down OUTSIDE. Near the car…where he can't see this."
Then he pulled back and hastily approached the kid again, leading him to the same area where he'd webbed the truck.
"Oh my god, I'm in love," Deadpool half-sings, before craning his head up to look at Gwen who has his legs in tow. "Okay, so, seriously, I'll grow them back. I'd let you keep them. But it takes too long." He laughs in a manner that's both nervous and excited. "So, like, if you just…" He motions with his hands. "Put them right there and just…." He nods his head. "Yeah that's… no not there, more to the left. Yeah… Yeah that's perfect."
Wade looks back up toward Spider-Man and salutes. "Don't worry, buddy, I'll be okay!" He then looks back down and hauls his upper half down until the two areas are 'touching'.
"Okay. Now, don't watch this part. It's really embarrassing."
Gwen, for her part, is uncertain what could be much more embarrassing than blowing up ones own bunghole, but she turns away, looking down at herself. "Oh god, I guess I'm gonna have to google how to get Deadpool out of white spandex…" Her turquoise ballet slippers are toast, but luckily she has backups. Nothing is taking /that/ much Deadpool out of turquoise satin. "Um…" she straightens the seams of her gloves idly. "So I guess stealth is out of the picture now, huh?"
Spider-Man gets Brian out of the rest of the ropes, then lowers them both to the street. He opens the truck so Brian has someplace to sit. "Okay, Brian. You're going to be okay."
He texts Spider-Woman with, "BRIAN SAFE. WHAT DOES MR. POTATO HEAD MAN WANT TO DO NOW…BESIDES PULL HIMSELF TOGETHER?"
"Oooooooh, it tickles!" Should anyone look, they'll see little tendrils of Deadpool flesh knitting with each other. It's really quite amazing, if not gross. "That's why I go with the red spandex," he tells Gwen, as if this is something he's said a million times. "So the bad guys can't see me bleed." He pauses. "I've been completely incinerated, even decapitated… tried to blow my brains out when I was younger. Nothing works." A pause. "That was a dark time. I'm better now." His hands come up and he pinkie swears himself. "Promise."
As for stealth, he sighs. "Well, not really. I got six dudes on their way here, they'll strip those guards you two webbed up and play make believe until snake dude shows up. So, we still might be able to bag him, but once he gets inside…" He laughs aloud. "And sees this? Hundred bucks he shits himself!"
Gwen breathes a laugh, as her phone vibrates in her pocket. "Hundred bucks you already beat him to it…" She reads the text, and looks back at Wade. "Playing Deadpool LEGOs up here. Stop yelling, it's only going to upset you further. Just breathe. He has six guys coming to replace webbed guards, and still hoping for Snakecharmer to show up. Are you okay?" Lengthy text. But Gwen could be a world-class thumb typist if she had both hands. Unfortunately, she can't exactly lift her left one right now, so she's down one thumb.
Spider-Man sighs and texts back, "Brian's fine. I'm fine. Ask DP if he wants me to take the kid home now or wait for SnakeHead to show before doing so."
He's not jealous that Spider-Woman is able to do what he couldn't. Or that she is able to talk to him at all down there in the Chunky Salsa Room. Or that they are getting along so well…
Nnnnnnnnnnope. Not jealous at ALL.
Wade's head flops back onto the floor and he sighs, listening. "No, no, get the kid out of here. Snakes is no joke. They'll freeze you solid, and I don't wanna find out if he can live through that." He looks up again then, eyeballing Gwen's arm. "Hey, what happened to your arm?" He looks for any visible signs of injury.
"Oh, I got a bullet in my shoulder," Gwen replies offhandedly, as she types a reply back to Spider-Man. "It's always the last place you look, right? The first step is admitting you have a problem, though."
SpiderGwen fires off that text back to Peter. "He says take the kid home, Jake the Snake might freeze him solid and kill him. Come back after, though? Cause we need you…" She sends the text, and looks back down at Deadpool. "If they're on their way..Hopefully your healing factor is faster than mine."
Spidey nods. "All right, will do." He looks to Brian, then says, "Come on. Do you like rollercoaster rides?"
The boy looks startled, but nods.
Thirty seconds later, he is hanging on and laughing as Spider-Man webslings him towards home as fast as he can so he can get back in time. Because who needs the subway…?
"Oh, probably," answers Wade. "But let me take a look at it, will ya? Ex Special Forces. Never do field medicine on yourself."
Hey, it'll pass the time while he rebuilds his special parts.